Alot of thought goes into planning your life. What you’ll be when you grow up. Where you’ll want to live. The type of person you’ll want to marry. How many children you’ll have and so on.
After six years of marriage, my husband and I felt that we were ready to start a family. It’s an amazing and scary feeling. It’s a scary realization. We’re going to be responsible for another life. Yet it’s exciting! We’re going to have an opportunity to make something together. To see what our combined traits will look like. Sound like. Act like.
We didn’t realize the journey we were about to embark on would be a bumpy ride.
What we didn’t realize is that everything in life is out of our control.
Having a “plan” almost ensures that nothing will go the way you want it to. Months of trying for a baby rolled on and before I knew it was over a year.
Infertility is pure heartbreak. Full of mental fatigue. You’re full of questions. My husband and I went through countless and painful tests. To see what was going on and why we were not getting pregnant. Meanwhile, it was like a baby boom was going on around us. It seemed like everyone was getting pregnant except for me. It’s a painful juggle between feeling joy for others and a hole in my heart.
Entering an alternate universe
Ever have a dream that felt so real? One night I had a dream that felt as if I was being transported into another universe. It was if I was tuning into a television show already in progress.
I was in the hospital with a big belly. I could feel sweat and tears rolling down my face. I was feeling the need to push and I felt pain. As I became aware of my surroundings I realized I was in a hospital and I was in labor. I felt as if I had been running a marathon. It was an overwhelming experience. After much effort, I could hear a voice proclaiming, “It’s a girl.”
A beautiful little girl was placed in my arms. She was perfection. She had the cutest rosy chubby cheeks and a head full of dark thick hair. Our eyes locked with one another and I could feel our souls connect. After months of wondering if we’d ever be blessed with a child — here she was.
I rubbed my cheek against her soft fluffy thick hair and I could even smell her sweet new baby scent.
I was in heaven. Everything I ever wanted. It was almost too good to be true. And it was.
It was just a dream
In the distance, I could hear a jarring sound. It was my alarm. As I started gaining consciousness I began to realize I was dreaming. I was slowly being brought back to reality. This beautiful little girl was fading from my arms. My eyes opened. I reached for the clock to shut it off and I tried to get back to that dream. To get back to my daughter. I couldn’t. It was over.
I found myself in a pool of tears mourning the loss of someone who never existed.
A dream became a reality
On a sunny fall Sunday morning, my husband and I went to church. Like I did so many other times, I prayed for all those I love and prayed for a child.
This time the prayer was different. It felt different.
It was as if I was being given a response. An answer. It wasn’t verbal — it was a feeling. That feeling was telling me to take a pregnancy test. The realist in me didn’t think it was possible to be pregnant. I lost count of how many pregnancy tests I had taken over the course of our journey. We had spent many months hoping and getting let down. Even though I wasn’t hopeful, I decided to listen to that energy and after Mass, we went to get a test.
My husband was far more optimistic than I. He had a good feeling that this time would be different. But for the first time — I had no expectations. I assumed that the test would be negative.
I took the test and walked away. I carried on with whatever task I needed to do. I was so used to staring at that little stick. Hanging on to the hope. I couldn’t bear it any longer. But when I walked back into the bathroom to read the results I was in shock with what I saw — a positive.
I ran downstairs where my husband was waiting, nestled on the couch with our dog Henry. I don’t think I could ever capture the joy I felt sharing the news with him. How blessed we were to be given this gift. This sweet gentle soul was going to be a father.
As my pregnancy progressed we got to the point where my husband and I could find out the gender of our child. I’m not the type of person that can wait. I had to know! When it was revealed we were having a daughter I started thinking back to the dream I had.
A glimpse by definition is a momentary view. Was I being given an opportunity to meet my little girl?
When the day came for our daughter to join the world and she was placed into my arms, I knew. It was her. There she was. The same rosy and chubby face. The same dark fluffy thick hair.
I believe in a higher power. And sometimes the universe can take my breath away. How little messages can be revealed to us in the most unassuming ways. Just when we need them. To be able to meet my daughter before she even existed. What a gift.
Keep your hope burning bright
If you’ve been down the road of infertility. If you’re in the middle of it, embrace whatever your life story will bring you.
I know it is hard to keep your hope burning bright, but your family will come to you. Whether it’s carrying your child, fostering, or adopting. It could even be a child you care for within your family. Or your circle of friends. The moment your heart opens for a child, you’re a parent.
I believe the souls that are meant to be in our life will find us. And trust me, it will be worth the wait.
The story was originally published on Medium.
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